When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a new friend I had just met. We were talking about volleyball, when it was revealed that he is a successful orthopedic surgeon in town. His practice is growing and his success is rising.

Instead of being thankful for the work he is doing to help others, I found myself critical. Instead of being happy, I found myself depressed.

Why did I all of the sudden feel like a failure?

Have you ever been there?

Someone you know is experiencing success in a way you are not. Maybe their ministry is growing fast and successfully and yours isn’t. Maybe their family seems to be perfectly happy and healthy and yours is unraveling. Maybe they have clear, compelling vision and direction for their life, and you are floundering to figure out your future, role, or purpose.

And deep inside you feel it.

Criticism boiling up.

Excuses repeating themselves.

Disappointment raging.

Jealousy…the loyal friend that is always hovering nearby. But it is no friend at all. I hate it! It is so frustrating and yet so real!

Jaundice of the soul

For clarity sake my jealousy is not the kind of righteous jealousy felt by God, whose name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). No, my jealousy is the selfish kind. The kind that wants to lay claim to things that aren’t mine (like success, possessions, and recognition). For those of us in ministry, I think struggling with this kind of jealousy is a common battle. We are vulnerable in many ways and can quickly fall victim to the comparison trap.

But our egos aren’t worth it. Jealousy is destructive and can inflict profound damage on our lives.

John Dryden once said: “Jealousy is the jaundice of the soul” [1]

Like a condition or sign of unhealthiness, jealousy reveals a deep unsettled place in our heart. It speaks to dissatisfaction and discontentment, ingratitude and selfishness. As ministers of the word and leaders of organizations, it is scary for us to think that we might be wrestling with these issues at our core.

Jealousy is spiritually dangerous

No matter how jealousy creeps in, it always leaves behind brokenness. Jealousy led Cain to kill Abel (Genesis 4), and our jealousy will lead us to kill relationships and wound others. There is no way to reshape it—in jealousy everyone loses.

Perhaps most profound however, is the way in which our jealousy can impact our relationship and intimacy with God.

In essence our jealousy says to God, “You are not enough, I need more to be satisfied.” Even though the gospel tells me I deserved nothing and God gave me everything, my flesh always seems to want more of this earth. It’s that dissatisfaction and displeasure that divides and breaks my communion with Christ.

In truth, jealousy strips us of the blessing of rich relationship that we long for with God and others. Left unchecked, it’s spiritually dangerous.

Finding the cure

What if you are tired of being discontent? What if you are worn out from comparing your ministry to others? What do you do if you are exhausted from trying to be the guy or girl with the better story all the time? What should you do when jealousy rears its ugly head? Here are three simple thoughts:

1. I’m sorry!

I think first we need to agree with God’s diagnosis that jealousy is a sin. Confess it and ask God to reveal it and remove it. We can follow that by asking for an infusion of the Holy Spirit to help us live with a changed mindset. [1]

2. I surrender!

We need to surrender to the God who made us and accept who we are. Cease from striving and comparing and quit trying to be perfect. To be honest, we need to surrender to God and quit trying to be God. When we do, I think we will find peace in God and freedom from comparison. [2]

3. Thank you!

We need to be people who spend way more time giving thanks for who we are rather than lamenting for who we aren’t. Why not start each day thanking God for how He created you? Why not say, “God, You have given me everything I need to accomplish what You’ve asked me to accomplish, and You’ve given others exactly what they need to accomplish their mission”? I think what we will find is that we actually can get out of the way and begin to celebrate others. [3]

Ongoing battle

I have been wrestling with a range of emotions over the past few weeks as I have come to grips with the conversation I had with my new friend. God has revealed areas of discontentment in me, and I have brought those to the Lord for healing. I also know that moments of jealousy will continue to pop up in my life and I will need to pause, surrender, and continue to bring them before the Lord.

I know that ministry is not exempt from comparison, and I can only imagine that many of you have wrestled with similar feelings. In the quietness of your heart give your honest thoughts to God. We are masters of self-deception, but God sees through it. Be vulnerable and truthful with God. When you seek Him, I think you will find the freedom He gives.

I think it’s safe to say that none of us will ever “conquer” jealousy. However, in humility, as we seek the Lord, He will provide grace and truth that will give us the strength to prevent jealousy from ever “conquering” us.

“If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.” James 3:13-16.

[1] https://powertochange.com/experience/spiritual-growth/jaundice/

[2] https://churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/169712-how-to-kill-the-hidden-power-of-jealousy.html/2

[3] https://careynieuwhof.com/jealousy-envy-insecurity-and-the-heart-of-a-pastor/