“Bitterness and resentment only hurt one person, and it’s not the person we’re resenting – it’s us.”
Alana Stewert [1]
Recently a friend shared this with me:
“They accused us of some awful things! Things that were untrue, mean and very hurtful. I never expected to have tension and resentment between my family and I. It’s the last thing I ever thought would happen in my family.”
You have probably been there before. Someone treats you unfairly or says something disrespectful or rude about you, and the anger rises inside of you. Initially you want to lash out and hurt them back, but after your mind cools you smooth over the situation and retreat to care for your wounds. But the anger never really goes away. Days pass and you still feel tension, bitterness, or anger towards the person that mistreated you. You can’t seem to escape the feeling. Over time the emotion erodes your feelings towards the person and resentment sets in. So what do you do? How are we to respond when resentment has found a space in our hearts?
Resentment – what is it?
Resentment is a powerful and poisonous emotion. Derived from the French word ressentir, which means “intense feeling,” resentment is the feeling of pain or indignation due to unfair treatment, injustice, or insult hurled your way.[2] No matter the source or cause, resentment is a form of emotional anger that erodes and damages relationships.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that resentment will just go away over time. It often doesn’t, and likely you will find it seeping into everything you set yourself towards. Resentment is like a beach ball we try to submerge in the water. No matter how valiant our efforts, it pops up with all its vitality, splashing everyone around.[2]
Romans 12:18 says: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” So how can we do that? How do we prevent resentment from finding an anchor in our hearts? What do you do if someone has hurt you and you are finding it hard to let it go?
5 Ways to deal with resentment in your life
- Recognize that God is the Judge. Fairness, justice, and the righting of wrongs is inevitable. As Christians we can rest assured that God sees everything that we experience. He is our Judge, and one day every person will stand before the Lord in judgement (1 Corinthians 6:2-3). The day of judging for your offender will one day come… But it’s not today. We need to put down our gavel’s and leave the judging to God.
- Seek to understand forgiveness. God knew that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to live at peace with some people. Thus, Romans 12:18 begins by saying: “If it is possible…”. However, with that stated, He does require forgiveness. The parable of the master forgiving his indebted servant in Matthew 18:21-25 gives us a great picture of God’s thoughts on forgiveness. He reminds us that we are all like forgiven servants – how can we withhold forgiveness and mercy to others when we have been forgiven so much? Jesus said, “Forgive and you will be forgiven.” This is very hard, but at the core of Christianity (Matthew 6:14). [3]
- Choose humility. When you have been wounded it is really hard to humble yourself and submit it to God. I find a lot of strength in learning from David in 2 Samuel 16:5-14. Shimei is cursing David and pelting the warriors with stones, and one of David’s men says, “Why should this dead dog curse my Lord the King? Let me go over and cut his head off!” I am sure part of David would have liked that! But David doesn’t give into that. Instead, he responds with incredible humility and trust in God. “If he is cursing because the LORD said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who can ask, ‘Why do you do this?’” David trusts God, submits his earthly emotions to the Lord, and cuts resentment off at the root.
- Focus on the type of person you want to be. Cain, in his resentment, killed his brother Abel. Saul, in his resentment, tried to kill David with his spear. Joseph’s brothers, in their resentment, dumped Joseph in a well to die. Many of these people are defined by their actions of resentment. How do you want to be defined? What type of person do you want to be?
- Pray for those you struggle to forgive. God already knows what’s going on inside of you. He knows your thoughts and He knows how the other person hurt you. He was there. We don’t have the capability in ourselves to forgive others. But God can empower us to forgive those who have hurt us (Philippians 4:13).[3] It’s not easy to pray for those who have offended you, but it’s amazing how God works in that process. Healing, freedom, and peace come when we open our hearts and allow God to help us forgive those we resent.
Perhaps you have felt resentment towards God. I would be remiss to pass over the reality that we as believers are capable of having that feeling. Maybe you resent God because you see Him blessing others while you suffer. Maybe you blame Him for a difficult family or ministry situation. Whatever it might be, if we hold that belief long enough, it will begin to foster a bitter attitude in us and prevent us from properly seeing God’s blessings and work in our life.[4] God wants to help you work through this. I encourage you to find a trusted friend or counselor to help you talk about, pray, and understand God’s heart as you work your way through this.
God can heal our resentment and bitterness if we let Him. If you find yourself in a season of resentment, today is the time to begin cutting out the power it holds in your life. By the grace of God, you can find freedom and forgiveness in Christ!
Growth Point:
Resentment is a powerful emotion that erodes relationships and prevents us from properly seeing God’s work in our lives.
Scripture Point:
Read Romans 12:18. Reflect on what it means to live in peace with others.
Action Point:
Take out a blank piece of paper. Ask God to bring to mind anyone you need to forgive. If He gives you a name or two or ten, start praying for those on your list. Pray every day until you feel God melt that resentment you’ve been holding on to.[5]
Leave A Comment